Sunday, May 11, 2014

Coffee and a hardware store (all dolled up with nowhere to go)

Of the over ten-point list, the top three are studying for my physics AP (it's tomorrow), reading a book I'm supposed to have two thirds of done (which I just today downloaded... without a tablet to actually read it on), and studying for my micro AP (it's thursday). But instead, I'm thinking about how it's Mother's Day and how my dad and I went to see The Grand Budapest Hotel last night and it was the first time I'd seen him laugh, truly laugh out loud, in a really long time.

It's Mother's Day. And this morning, my sister, mom and I were going to take my nephew to church. But we were so late that we decided to get a coffee and go to get flowers instead. We felt kind of bad but as mothers (I consider myself my nephew's second mom), we decided it was okay. So we each got iced mochas, and a hot chocolate for Liam, and set off to The Home Depot, all in our Sunday bests. It was a good time.

Recently, with APs and all, I've had not a lot of homework and a lot of time to "study," which really means a lot of time to myself to just think. And I've been trying to figure some stuff out. I think it's working.

Somehow somewhere sometime I must have once decided that life is all about letting go. I can't remember it happening, if it was an immediate conscious choice or a slow realization. But no matter how or where or when it happened, I've, rather abruptly in my house very recently, been realizing how wrong I am.

The more I think about it, the more wrong I feel it is.

A lot of life is, undoubtedly, about letting go. Letting go of people and places and things. But it's also about clinging on, to memories of old and new faces and homes and stuff. After all, how could anyone survive this world if it were only about losing what matters? Because if that's how life works, everyone would be running on empty.

I think everyone has to run on empty at least once in their life.

It's the people that stop looking for ways out, who stop reaching for what matters, that end up losing faith, who end up not being able to deal with the world.

Some of the best people are so wonderful because somehow somewhere sometime they lost everything. Because they've learned to grab on even tighter to the people and places and stuff that matter.

So the next time I have to let something go, I'll keep my eyes open for the next thing to grab onto.